Because I Write...

I needed to write something. I’ve been having trouble sleeping and I narrate my entire life in my head constantly. As weird as it sounds, it’s me and I have to learn to accept me for who I am. I know it can be a bit confusing. I can be a bit confusing. If you remember that I will always be writing a story in my mind and I’ll always be coming up with one descriptive or another for everything and everyone I see, you’ll figure out more about me. Maybe I need to remember that from time to time.

I’m misunderstood and I can accept that. It’s not like I came around to this conclusion casually but it’s also not like it was some kind of earth shattering epiphany, either. I simply realized it one day, accepted it and moved on. I know it should seem more glamorous than what it is and if you’re let down or disappointed by it, I’m sorry. When I started writing I thought it would be more glamorous than the life I live now. Score one for reality, I guess.

You see, the reality is that my professional life is an endless cycle of creative energy punctuated by times when I’ve let out all that creative energy and simply can’t get a handle on myself until such time as a new idea comes into my head. It’s a little nuts but then again, I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I don’t ever make a novel just become. That’s not what writing is about. My life is not a round of fast cars, fat bank accounts, designer clothes, movie deals and New York Times bestsellers. It’s not that I don’t wish that kind of thing would happen sometimes but my lot in life is what it is and damned if sometimes I don’t think I drew the short straw.

I talk to God about it a lot and sometimes He answers and sometimes He doesn’t. When He does answer, it’s invariably something along the lines of, “Rachel, just do what you do best.” All the time He’s got laughter in His voice and that can get irritating from time to time. It’s not like I would’ve chosen to be a writer. When I was sixteen and thought about it that was because I didn’t need to go to college to succeed in writing and because I thought it was so very different than it is. I thought in my youth and naivety that I could write a novel and that I’d become the next overnight sensation. I’d be discovered and never have to worry about money again and that ultimately, I would earn the respect of my peers with remarkably little effort. Boy was I wrong.

Truth be told, most of the finest examples of literature throughout history have come from the minds of people who are clinically depressed, mentally imbalanced, alcohol or substance abusers or tormented by past mistakes and regrets and sometimes, they’re a bizarre combination of more than one of the above. And yet, when you read what they’ve written, it’s so very inspiring because they have a way of taking their deepest pain and most profound thoughts and put them onto paper in a way that draws you in and won’t let you go. It’s not always that you choose to read that next page; it’s that you have to. It’s not like you’re not aware of the idea that you have to get up and go on about your day when you look at the clock and realize it’s three in the morning and you have to get ready to work in the next few hours but it’s not something you can bring yourself to sacrifice. You just can’t close that book until you’ve read through all of it or until you can’t hold your eyes open, one or the other.

If I had the choice between writing and getting a “real job” without the adventure or the element of chaos, I’d still choose writing. Perhaps it’s because I’ve already adjusted to life as a writer and honestly couldn’t see myself any other way or perhaps it’s because I’m just a glutton for punishment and I’m too stubborn to be willing to pursue any less than my dreams. Either way doesn’t sound any better and I know this because I just reread what I wrote.

I am an Independent Author. I haven’t gone the traditionally published route because I got several rejection letters but I also knew that what I had to say and the things I’ve written have merit. I have a voice. I have an opinion and I have talent and I simply can’t let someone else determine whether or not I should follow a specific course based on their bottom line. Sometimes, I truly feel sorry for Traditionally Published Authors and I have good and sound reasons.
As an Independently Published Author, I have no contractual obligations to anyone and I don’t change what I’ve written based on the opinion of a publisher or agent. I don’t have to make it “salable” for someone else. I stay true to who I am. I also don’t have to worry about passing my heart and soul (I’m referring to my manuscripts here) off to someone else to change and chop up as they see fit to fall in with their market perspective. My works are my own and I am the one who accepts accountability for all content therein.

It’s true that I pay through the nose for an editor (Felicia, you are the bomb) but she doesn’t try to change what I’ve written. She keeps the premise and story intact while she just fixes the mistakes I’ve made in the writing. My cover artist (Athanasios, I still get effusive compliments) gives me what I want and I pay well for it, but I also get to see exactly what I envisioned when he’s done. For “Sins of the Father” he overcame his doubts and gave me exactly what I asked for. I couldn’t have been happier.

I don’t labor under deadlines and I don’t have a contract which means that I don’t ever have to worry about attorneys or watching what I say. I read and review what books I choose and I don’t worry about what is and isn’t “mass market friendly.” Has anyone actually taken an honest look at the reviews for Traditionally Published Authors (and yes, I do intend the respect associated with the capitalization) and given them critical thought? Is it just me or does anyone else notice that they’ve been pigeon-holed and their works slowly become cookie cutter? In my opinion, it begs the question, do they see their career go down in a blaze of glory or do they see themselves slipping into anonymity and do they realize that the publishing industry and their agents work for them and not the other way around?

It’s not always that simple, either. When I’m writing, I change as a person. I become focused and introspective. I forget details about my daily life because I’m so lost in what I’m putting onto paper. I get cranky with my husband and kids and resent every intrusion or question. It honestly seems like sometimes the kids store up every single question they have until the moment I start to write and then it all comes out of them in a great torrent of unsatisfied curiosity. I don’t want to do anything but write. I deal with a lot of pain in my shoulders and neck and I’ll wait until the pain gets to the point that I can barely move before I’ll take a break from what I’m currently writing. I have an endless round of new ideas go through my head at breakneck pace and I lose most of them but I rationalize it by saying that if I don’t remember it so well, it wasn’t what I wanted to write anyway.

All I can think about when I’m writing is writing and most of what I think about when I’m not writing is writing. I wasn’t kidding earlier when I said that I narrate my entire life in my head. All of it is one great big composition. I’ll even complete it with chapter headings. No joke. I forget to shower and brush my teeth. I get rude with people and then have to seek them later to apologize because I really didn’t mean to snap at them, they just got in the way and they were collateral damage for lack of better phrasing. I’m constantly editing other people’s words and phrases in my head and spell checking without even thinking about it. I’ll correct people when I have no business correcting them and I won’t think about it until later. I become remarkably insensitive and tend to speak my mind without thinking about it but when I’m writing, someone else’s hurt feelings are purely incidental.

It’s not fair to other people and I’m not a nice person when I lose myself in a story but I sure can try to teach people who live with a writer a little bit of what it’s about.

Try not to take it personally when they’re lost in the creative process and take it out on you. It really isn’t your fault and they will remember that soon enough. They’ll go over every little detail they can remember in their head and they will come to you with an honest apology because they’ll realize that it wasn’t your fault they just happened to be swept along in the moment. Their changes in mood will be mercurial in nature. They’ll be angry and despondent for no particular reason that you can think of until they’re done writing. Then they’ll come out of their shell and be more amiable when they’ve finished that sentence, chapter or novel and they can lay that idea to rest. They will realize that you didn’t mean to say the wrong thing (which is anything) at the wrong time and that you were asking a simple question. There was no reason to fly off the handle like they did.

Things will calm down for a little bit and then, when they get restless, you’ll go through the whole cycle over again because that’s who they are and they can’t change it. You might as well get used to it because they are who they are and they’ll understand when you’ve got ideas floating in your head that you can’t get rid of. They’ll help you follow them to their inevitable conclusion because they can relate to the absolute need to get it out. It is in that moment that you’ll have empathetic understanding from them more than any other time.

This seems like an exhaustively long way to say, “Just be patient with them,” but it’s the only thing I can say. I value my husband because he doesn’t tear me up for being who I am. He’s patient with me. When all I can think about is writing, he’s right there with me and he accepts it for what it is. It’s just me being me and this, too, shall pass.

Am I trying to sway people one way or the other when it comes to writing? No. Do what you love and what you feel is right. Follow that rabbit down the rabbit hole until you hit a dead end and then push through it. In reading this, a person could rightfully assume that I’m trying to talk people out of being a writer but that’s not the case. You had the courage to break out of the mold. Finish what you started. Take it and run because there’s no one else who can or should take up your gauntlet for you. You took a sip from that cup and now you must drink the rest. You took the first step down that path and now you’ll have no choice but to walk the rest of the way. Your mind and your heart will not accept any less. I know because I walk that path and I do so because I have no other alternative. I’m not happy with who I am when I try to lay down the writing. I’m sickened when I think of giving up because I joke about it and say that I like sleep and without writing I don’t sleep but the truth is that I am because I write. When I don’t write, I am not.

In retrospect, would I have chosen this path for myself as a young woman or a child? No. Did my creative brain simply break out one day in a way that I would never be able to silence? Yes. Then again, in reading over my own work here, I have to say that perhaps, just perhaps I should count my blessings.

I Support Gay Marriage!!!

This may make some people angry and may even attract some censure from them for me. All to the good because I’m quite frankly not the type of person to get all scared about a little raise of the eyebrows. This is particularly true when I have something important to say. This doesn’t happen terribly often, I’d suggest you pay attention.



Let’s be clear first and foremost, I’m fully a heterosexual female and I’m sure that that will be important to someone who stumbles on this and decides to react with moral outrage. You know who you are. I’m going to tell those among us who are morally outraged by this…Come on here! Seriously??! Is it you who are considering a same sex marriage? Who are you to decide someone else’s happiness for them?

I’m also a woman of faith and I support same sex marriage. I don’t believe that love is ever shameful or wrong, regardless of its form or gender preference. I’ve seen lots of comments and posts on social media talking about how those who support same sex marriage or would seek a same sex marriage are “going against God” or “violating God’s law” and I would like to take the opportunity here and now to tell these people to grow up, step out from behind God and pursue and support your own opinion. Stop passing your beliefs off onto God and stop condemning other people for their beliefs.

Do you know how often I’ve heard the Old Testament of the Bible quoted as regards homosexuality? Yes, there are verses that very explicitly state that it is a moral act of deviation and a crime punishable by death in Leviticus but so is adultery. I’m not going to stop and count how many people I’ve known who look down morally on homosexuality while lying in the bed of their extramarital lover. Look up Leviticus 18:22 for further enlightenment if you choose.



Now with that being said, the Bible also warns of having relations with a woman who is on her cycle. That is unclean according to the same chapter of Leviticus and Leviticus in chapter 19 goes on to say that a person shouldn’t eat any meat with blood in it, shouldn’t wear clothing cut from two different types of cloth (pay attention all you people who wear cotton underwear with an elastic waistband) and you also shouldn’t cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip the edges of your beard. Also, don’t plant a field with two different types of seeds and don’t eat any fruit on a tree for five years after it’s been planted. The first three years are forbidden and the fourth year is a praise offering to the Lord. Anyone with a tattoo is disregarding the law of God according to Leviticus.

You know, Jesus had almost nothing to say about homosexuality. On the other end of the coin, he did have a lot to say about the law and keeping God’s commandments. This includes verses from the Gospel of James that he who keeps the whole law and offends on one point is guilty of all. So it could reasonably be said that Jesus said that a person who breaks even one of God’s laws is guilty of breaking them all. How many of you have told a little “white lie” and are also therefore guilty of breaking all of God’s laws? Did you think about that? Anyone who has lied is no greater or less than the serial killer the government will bury under the prison regardless of the infraction and the number of times they’ve deviated.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I do so love a nice medium rare steak but if I stick to God’s law of the Old Testament, I am unclean and I should have to go through all the rituals to be clean again or I can realize that the whole point of this law was to prevent food borne illness.

You know, every law that God gave to the Israelites of the Old Testament was to serve a purpose and that purpose is very clear. He wanted to preserve a people to carry out the bloodline that would lead to Christ. Ninety percent of the laws handed to Moses from God were about cleanliness and prevention. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, it seems. God didn’t want the Israelites dropping like flies before he could get them to the Promised Land so he set certain rules in place to take care of that. Circumcision prevents infection because the foreskin protects a membrane and keeps it moist. Clothing cut from two types of cloth leads to sweating and bacteria collect where there is moisture leading to the possibility of infection. Infectious disease is passed from person to person by means of physical and sexual contact and this was a time when a person could get an infection and die from a simple scratch. They were in the desert and water was scarce and even if water were to be in ready supply, it would have been unprocessed, unclean and fairly teeming with microorganisms. Anyone who knows anything at all would know exactly how hazardous that would be.



Are we still failing to understand a point? I hope not because it would be exhaustive to have to repeat everything I just said. I would hope that someone has figured out a thing or two during the course of this. For those of you who haven’t and insist that it is God’s absolute law that same sex marriages are wrong:

For the men; make your wife quit her job and wait on you hand and foot. She’ll be miserable so your sex life will suffer, I promise you that. You can no longer use birth control so it doesn’t matter if you are ready to have children or not, procreate to perpetuate the species and work grueling six day work weeks tilling the fields to provide for your family. You are the only person who is allowed to provide for your family, after all and all their accountability is going to fall onto your shoulders. You alone are responsible for the actions of your wife and children, servants and any creature crossing your lands that deviates from what is acceptable. It is your land and you are responsible for it. Start getting ready to make betrothal agreements for your children because by the time they reach the age of twelve, the girls are of a marriageable age and your boy has become a man. He has to have a wife and she must have a husband. While you’re at it, be the first to throw a rock and stone to death the twenty five year old son who has fallen on hard times and lives in your basement right now because he is a wastrel and as for your daughter, if she’s not a virgin on her wedding night, she needs to be stoned to death. And don’t you dare curse at your parents, you should die for it.

For the women; take off your shoes and get into your husband’s kitchen. Spend your days working in the house because that is your place. Don’t practice your suffrage (voting) because you have no say. You exist to do as you are told, marry in accordance with your father’s wishes and please your husband. You have no right to make money and you have no land or wealth. It all belongs to your husband, no exceptions. Quit your job and cover your head. Don’t even think about buying a pair of shoes without his consent and if your husband beats you, you deserved it and it was all your fault. It is your fault if a man is attracted to you or if you get raped. You should have taken better care with yourself and not invited his interest. Don’t speak your opinion because that is forbidden and you need to make absolutely sure you never do anything outside the approval of your husband. Wisdom is a woman and so is adultery so be mindful lest you disgrace your husband or father. Don’t worry about respect because you are property and you are allowed to own nothing. You are a woman and should behave as such. And whatever you do, don’t you dare live with a man outside of marriage because that’s punishable by death.

Or everyone can understand that in the keeping of God’s Mosaic Law (which was the law given to Moses by God) you can’t have it both ways. Jesus spoke about the law stating that people have a choice. You can either follow the Mosaic law and be subject to all the punishments therein or you can follow Christ and remember that his commandments were to love the Lord your God above all things and love each other as He loves us. He also had a lot to say about judgment and condemnation of others. Look up Luke 6:37 if you don’t believe me. Look at the story of the adulterous woman and ask yourself why Jesus would have said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”



Did it occur to anyone that with all the things that the Apostle Paul had to say in his Epistles that he was likely gay? Think about it, the “thorn in his flesh” that he bemoaned to God who told him, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Did it ever occur to anyone that Paul who knew the law well would have been dead set against homosexuality? The laws he lived by were very clear about relations being between a man and a woman and anything else was punishable by death. He would have had very clear ideas about “unnatural relations” and his absolutely staunch condemnation of homosexuality can lead a person to believe that he was in fact gay. He hated himself for the “thorn in his flesh” and that means that he would have “fallen off the wagon” from time to time in a manner of speaking. If he was gay, he would have had male lovers and that would have made him hate himself because he had had sex with a man and because he couldn’t help himself. He would not have realized the genetic nature of his feelings and would have tried to reject them. Reading some of the extra letters that passed between he and his friends, I can pretty cleanly establish who his lover or “intimate friend” would have been.

I don’t know about anyone else, but it seems to me that when compared to the time frame and the reasoning behind and for the Law coupled with the idea that Jesus had nothing whatsoever to say about same sex marriage or relationships leads me to conclude that trying to reference the Bible and the Mosaic Law as regards your moral outrage at same sex marriage is contraindicative to the very idea of the purpose of the law. Step outside of your religion and face faith. Stop whining about what makes other people happy and concentrate on your own happiness and prosperity. That part is within your power. Stop pointing the finger at someone else in an attempt to mask your feelings of moral inferiority and realize that you’re pointing the finger at them to take the focus off of you. Grow up and get real and love everyone and the rest will take care of itself.



People have the right to make their own choices and forge their own way in life regardless of what you think or how you feel. If you don’t like the idea of gay marriage, don’t get one. It’s just that simple. It’s not fair to go around trying to tell other people how to live their lives and the Mosaic Law is a flimsy excuse for your opinions. Don’t rely on the Law for a few things and disregard the few little things you’re not looking at or the few little laws you aren’t following and then excuse yourself by using Jesus or the Bible. If your sins are covered by the Blood of the Lamb, so are everyone else’s and you have no right to stand in judgment on them or anyone else. Think about it…

As far as I’m concerned, I stand and advocate for same sex marriage because everyone has the right to be happy and if a man’s boyfriend or a woman’s girlfriend makes them happy, loves them and treats them with respect, that is quite fine by me and I wish them all the happiness that their lives together can afford.

I'm Still Here!

I just thought everyone would like to know that I'm still here and coming up with more profound pearls of wisdom that I'll post sooner or later...

Okay, fine. So I'm just "still here" right now. Isn't that good enough?

Back to my rewrite!